Beat it

Lots of interesting stuff today.  The Tribune tells us that Z threw his first batting-practice session yesterday, then "bypassed the media and stomped out of the clubhouse shouting 'beat it' in Spanish."  Well, that's dispiriting, isn't it?  I hope we're not looking at a repeat of the second half of last season (I'd take a repeat of the no-hitter, of course, but mostly not the rest of it).

On a lighter note, Chicago Cubs Online linked to an entertaining Daily Herald article about the height of the Cubs' middle infielders, which begins, "After shooting his bow and arrow this winter, Mike Fontenot made it his target to get stronger so he can start at second base."  I'm not sure there was any need to go beyond the bolded part, personally - that is more than enough awesome for any piece of writing.  But if we must:

Both Fontenot and Miles check in at 5-feet-8, and when either pairs with shortstop Ryan Theriot (5-11), they'll give the Cubs one of the most diminutive double-play combos in the, ahem, "big" leagues.

Nice job, Daily Herald.  But, really, how great is it that our two potential second basemen are both 5'8?  What is this, the Little Rascals baseball club?  (Just kidding.  You know Theriot and Fontenot are my two favorite people ever, and I look forward to seeing Aaron Miles in action.)

I turned in a couple of sermons last week, have to talk to a bunch of people about baptism this week, and have 93 midterms due shortly, plus many terrible applications for financial aid, so I am more than usually grateful that baseball exists.  I'm clinging to it as a distraction from my FAFSA and various Latin terms.

Twenty Things I Learned from the 2008 Chicago Cubs

1.) I don't think I can do this again.  Cubs fandom is, as my mother mentioned frequently this weekend, part of my heritage, and I've dealt with the disappointment that goes along with that many times, not to mention the Rockies last year.  This was the worst loss I can remember, though, because this year's team was (as you may have noticed) my favorite.  I just can't go through another season that ends that way.  

But more than anything, I don't want to feel like this season was all for nothing.  Right now it does feel that way, but I'm trying to remember that this team was special; they taught me some things, and here are a few of them.  All pictures from the Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, or Getty Images via Yahoo!Sports.

2.) Let's begin with shallowness, okay?  I think we all need a little shallowness after last week.  Thus: something about this team really, really makes women want to have their babies:

And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

3.) No one in baseball - in fact, no one in the world - has a better autobiography than Carlos Zambrano.

4.)  You totally want to hear the first line of Z's autobiography again, right?  I knew you did:

"The life of Carlos Zambrano is that of the eagle that flies in the middle of a storm and, facing opposing winds, ascends powerfully until it reaches the top of the mountains."

5.) At the beginning of this season, I barely knew who Reed Johnson was.  Now, he's the guy who made The Catch (and did other great defensive and offensive work).  I hope he sticks around with us for a good long time.

6.) We have some good guys on this team:

7.) Ryan Theriot and Mark DeRosa: best manlove ever, seriously.

8.) Cincinnati and Cleveland are TOTALLY different cities.

9.) Puppies.  Also, Geo lounges very handsomely and Theriot and DeRo laugh like frat boys.

10.) Ted Lilly barreling into Yadier Molina like a crazy man (not to mention almost throwing his own no-hitter the day after Z's)?  That guy is intense.  Probably as the result of a lifetime of being named Theodore Roosevelt Lilly.

11.) All of the following, which my friend R. the Red Sox fan laid out for me one night when we were talking about baseball fanfic.  I wrote down everything she said because it was so true:

"I feel like our team [the Red Sox, that is] would be a story like Blade Runner.  Everyone is insane, and some people, like Josh Beckett, are either an alien or a robot.  Tito is the guy trying to save the world and restore justice and order.  Your team is more like a story about a family reunion.  The family is crazy, but not in a bad way.  Geo and Ryan Dempster would be the guys everyone loves, who hold the whole family together.  Then someone would be the crazy uncle who everyone's scared of.  I see about four candidates there.  [She didn't name them.]  Z would be the guy who frightens the children just by being so gigantic, but by the end of the evening the children are all hanging off him going, "Daddy, pony!"  On that note, then there's Mike Fontenot."

12.) Which provides me with an excellent segue:

Mike Fontenot: Amazing Person

This man definitely deserves his own subsection.  Where to begin?

13.) Perhaps with this interview at Bleed Cubbie Blue:

BCB: I read an article last year that said you watch [Theriot's] kids sometimes. Is that true?

Mike: I think that was the "Sports Illustrated" where it said I’m more of a kid than his kids. That he came in there and I was jumping on the bed.

BCB: That’s the one. So, is it true?

Mike: Not necessarily. I wouldn’t say that I was jumping on the bed. I mean, I might have done it once or twice but Houston, his son, was the main one jumping on the bed and I’m like hey watch out and he started getting a little crazy. But I’ll go over there, spend time, hang out. And he just had another one, so they have three now. I’ll go over there and hang out every once in a while.

14.) Zambrano on Fontenot's hitting prowess: "I didn't know short men could hit the ball like that.  He hit the ball like a man, you know?"  Z's right; Fontenot hit .365 in July and almost hit for the cycle on,  if I remember correctly, June 20th.  He went on a similar hot streak last year.

15.) And to what can we attribute this "hitting the ball like a man"?  

"I don't know," Fontenot said. "I've always had decent power my whole life. I guess it's bat speed. Timing a little bit. My grown-man strength."

16.) And of course, the highlight of this particular section has got to be:

The explanation of what's going on in this picture may be more awesome than the picture itself:

"I really can't remember where we got it from," Fontenot said. "It's just driving a nail into the ground, and then we implemented a thing where I jump on his back and he carries me to the promised land."

17.) Ryan Theriot could beat up Mike Fontenot (although he wouldn't), but even the two of them combined couldn't take out Z.  Theriot can also pitch.  He has a 0.00 ERA.

18.) No Cubs pitcher had thrown a no-hitter in 36 years, until this guy came along:

19.)  Every time I thought they were done, they weren't even close.  There was that insane comeback game against the Rockies, there was the game I went to, there was that hideous losing streak in September.  They always came back...

20.) ...except when it counted, right?  It's so hard to believe it's over, even now.  So does the rest of this stuff mean anything at all?  

I think it does.  We'll remember how miserable it was to lose last week, but maybe we'll also remember everything that happened during the rest of the season, and I haven't even covered half of it here.  I think, for me, the last word on this year will always be Geo's home run in the game I went to.  I hope everyone else has a story like that from this year  - that they got to see something amazing, whether on TV or in person.  And I hope that, whenever I think about how much last week hurt, I'll also think about how I got to be at that game, and how it encompassed everything I love about baseball.  I can't help thinking a passage in Mark Helprin's story "Perfection," which is about baseball and God, among other things, where he writes,

[It] was as if God had chosen that moment to make his presence known, and [fans at the game] reacted accordingly in wonder and delight.  For the moment, at least, they felt as if the deepest circles within them had been squared, their ragged doubts knit smooth, and the world were ablaze with the light of perfection.

Ask the Riot

Ryan Theriot has a special guest column in the Tribune this week.  It's pretty entertaining; as you may have guessed by now, I always love the camaraderie this team seems to have.  A few highlights include:

1.)"pocket rocket" 

2.) Q: Knowing your teammates as well as you do and considering you're filling in for beat writer Paul Sullivan, can you put on your reporter hat for us and give us the best story/angle that has gone unreported of any Cub inside the clubhouse? -- Brent, Chicago

A: DeRosa's biceps. Just look at 'em. He's built like a pro wrestler. No, he's built like a Greek god. We used to have some competition going, but not anymore. I've shrunk.

He's used the "Greek god" line before in reference to DeRosa, but it still makes me laugh.  Oh, and this:

Q: Ryan, recently when your LSU college team was playing one of the last games at Alex Box Stadium, the radio broadcasters were telling stories about memorable games there. One story mentioned a game in which the LSU bullpen had been completely used up in a blowout. LSU coach Skip Bertman asked the infielders if anyone wanted to pitch, and you offered to take the mound. Is this story true? Does Lou know about your pitching experience? Is Zambrano worried? -- LSU Baseball Fan, Chicago

A: Yes it's true. Everyone knows that I've pitched. I make sure of that. I have nine different pitches, all of which are awesome. I have a 0.00 ERA, got one out, throwing all knuckleballs. I don't remember who I faced -- some dude from Ole Miss.

Heeee.

What the heck was that?

First of all, I hope everybody's okay out there (we had just some crazy weather blow through the area, for non-Midwesterners).  As most of you know, I go into fits of irrational terror at even the weakest hint of a thunderstorm, so I won't even discuss the scenes that took place in my house tonight.  

I cannot believe they're actually finishing this game.  As this article explains, tornado sirens went off all over the place, including Wrigley, and the weather got pretty terrible.  The fans, of course, were concerned and...um...

A couple of fans ran on the field and started body sliding on the tarp. There were oohs and aahs from the crowd as thunder and spectacular lightning crackled in the sky.

I love this town.  Also, during my episodes of utter panic, the only thing that made me feel better (besides my parents and dog being extremely patient) was the coverage they showed from time to time of 1.) fans doing absurd things as mentioned above and 2.) Ryan Theriot, Mike Fontenot, and Reed Johnson waiting out the delay in the dugout and acting silly over something.  I think they actually started punching each other in the arm at one point, clearly unconcerned about the actual tornado that was actually barreling down on them.  I suppose they probably had the right idea.

I <3 folk singers

I'm off to the Old Town School of Folk Music to watch some potentially ridiculous performances, but in the meantime - well, I've been trying to embed the video of Mark DeRosa literally leaping into Ryan Theriot's arms after scoring the game-winning run yesterday, but it's eluding me.  Anyway, it's on the front page of cubs.com and will hopefully be here when I get home later, because it is full of delight.

More high-fiving

Let's not talk too much about today's game, which was just weird.  Instead, let's enjoy the greatest picture I've seen yet of Mike Fontenot: he really is Mighty Mike!  

According to the wisdom of Ryan "The Riot" Theriot, quoted in a recent MLB news article, "[Fontenot]'s always been able to hit the ball out of the park.  It might have something to do with his arms being shorter than anybody else's."  I guess that pretty much sums it up.